Shame & Guilt

Shame- the swampland of the soul

The Addiction Cycle

Preoccupation - Ritual - Acting Out - Guilt & Shame - Repeat

How would you define "Guilt" and "Shame"? Are they different ideas? How do each of these emotions affect us?

Definition of Shame: "The intense painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and, therefore, unworthy of love and belonging."

Shame affects us by making us feel unworthy and blocks us from feeling connected to others.

Shame tells us Two things:
*You are never good enough!
*Who do you think you are??

Shame highly, highly correlates with:
*addiction
*depression
*violence
*oppression
*bullying
*suicide
*eating disorders

How is guilt different? Guilt is correlated with people who do not do the things on this list!
*motivates positive change
*makes us aware of wrong behaviors
*does not attack me as a person

Shame:                                                                   Guilt:
*I'm sorry, I'm a mistake                                         *I'm sorry, I made a mistake
*Deceives us into believing it is helpful and               *Is helpful b/c it gives us the option to
   motivates better behavior                                         choose better behavior
-causes us to act as if we're hopeless, helpless,        -enables us by making us aware of our
   and worthless                                                          poor choices
-causes us to continue to be stuck in our sin             -gives us more choices of how to respond
                                                                                  to our sins
*Is a lie, designed to destroy                                    *Is truth, designed to free us
*Is demonic wisdom                                                *Consistent with Godly wisdom


Are these messages that ever come from God?
"We are God's chosen ones, holy and beloved." Col. 3:12

Shame is not from God, but guilt, on the other hand, is a Godly response. It seems impossible for me to change who I am(shame response), but much easier to change my behavior(guilt response).

Everyone experiences Shame. If you don't, then you are officially what could be best described as a Sociopath. We shouldn't shame ourselves about Shame, but rather, be aware of it. The awareness is what gives us the option to change.

Three things that make Shame thrive:
1. Secrecy
2. Silence
3. Judgement

Empathy, on the other hand, is the antidote to Shame. When we can come alongside of another person and empathize, rather than allowing them to keep beating themselves up, we can help them begin to break free from the lies that bind them and find their worth in the One who created them.

Are we worthy?
-of friendships?
-of relational love?
-of God's love?

...God's chosen ones, holy and beloved. Col. 3:12
...Dear friends, now we are children of God. 1 Jn. 3:2
...I have called you friends. Jn. 15:15
...I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are the works of Your hands. Ps. 139:14
...Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you. Rom. 15:7
...For we are God's masterpiece. Eph. 2:10

And that leads us to the next important thing that is so necessary in the life of a Christian. Up next: Vulnerability.

Anatomy of a Lie

-"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Cor. 10:5
 - "Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." Rom. 12:2a

We're told to take our thoughts captive and to be transformed by the renewing of our minds, but how do we do that?

When we learn something new(think of a child learning to walk or talk or read), it's a process, right? We keep practicing the new skill, and eventually, the brain skips past all of the steps that were initially required and goes straight to the end result. We now walk, talk, and read without any thought. This happens with any new thing we begin, whether a skill acquired, a good or bad habit, thought, or fear. Eventually, we have no idea how a certain thought process began(particularly if it began as a child), and therefore, very little idea of how to stop the thought process. We can know that it's not good for us, but have no ability to stop ourselves from thinking it.

 Neuroplasticity- The brain's ability to reorganize(rewire) itself by forming new neural connections

God has given us:

*Neuroplasticity of the brain
*the ability to renew our minds
*the responsibility to renew our minds
....and God brings the healing

First, we must be aware: "Be alert and sober minded. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. Resist him...1 Pet. 5:8-9

We have an enemy who wants to steal, kill, and destroy. He wants followers who choose to do his will, and uses lies to deceive us. When we are deceived by those lies, our choices advance Satan's goals.
Why Lies?? Because they work! We believe Satan's lies all the time, through choices we make and how we treat people, which brings destruction to us and to others. If we never believed Satan's lies, we wouldn't fall into sin. but we do.

The 85/15- The Anatomy of a Lie

When Satan lies to us, 85% of his lie is made of truth. When we're deceived by that lie, it's because we only consider the 85%, and not the 15% that is false and designed to destroy us. We're often deceived because these lies can be based on godly values, and deal with justice and  making things right.

Three types of wisdom:
1.Godly wisdom- positive intentions, always appropriate methods-always in agreement with God's character
2.Fleshly wisdom-positive intentions, inappropriate methods
3.Demonic wisdom- no positive intention, inappropriate methods-the goal is to destroy us & others

Religiosity and the 85/15(used as an illustration)

The 85%
*Isn't the law good?
*Isn't it good for us to have religious practices(church, worship, avoiding evil, following God)?

The 15%
*Attending a service= following God(instead of living a life doing service for others)
*Worship=entertainment, serving my needs(God's definition of worship always involves sacrifice)
*Avoiding evil=Allows me to feel more righteous and to judge others(God wants me to avoid evil because I love Him)

"You foolish people. Who has bewitched you?" Gal. 3:1

*Satan uses truth to convince us that human religious activity is how we love God
*Satan uses truth to convince us that is we know who God is, then we have a relationship with God.

Why are Satan's lies so effective and what are some other tactics that he uses?

Satan has more power over us in isolation. He wants us to keep our lies in darkness, because in isolation we will lose the battle(shame) - "Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, so that you may be healed." James 5:16

*Trustworthy believers can help us see the 15%
*Often when we say the lies we believe out loud, we see the 15% for what it is
-Having trustworthy people in our lives that we can truly be transparent with allows us to 1)confess our sins, and 2)Share the reasons for our behavior.

We need to learn to ask HOW we are doing something vs. WHY we are doing it. If we can look at how we make choices(going back to the beginning idea of how we learn new things), identify the lies that we're believing and replace them with truth, we give ourselves the ability to make better choices.

Most of the time when we find ourselves in difficult situations, our brain gives us only two choices:

-beat myself up vs. just being ok with my sin
-pornography vs. an affair
-yell at my kids vs. hit my kids
-binge/purge(bulimia) vs. starve myself(anorexia)
 -divorce vs. being miserable for the rest of my life

What if we gave ourselves permission to have a third choice?? When stuck between two equally bad choices, we need to seek out wise, Christian counsel, take a step back, and look for a third option. If there's a third option, isn't there a possibility of a fourth, or fifth? Perhaps we're not really as stuck as Satan has led us to believe.

*Practice finding a third choice- "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way of escape so that you can endure it." 1 Cor. 10:13

*Reject lies- "The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Cor. 10:4-5

*Always replace lies with the truth- "When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, 'I will return to the house I left.' When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first." Matt. 12:43-45

Ok, so there you have it: a brief(yet long for a blog post), and hopefully not thoroughly confusing synopsis of what I studied the first day on The Anatomy of a Lie. Next up is Shame vs. Guilt.

Equip 2 Counsel, pt. 1

Ok, I said that I'd catch everyone up on the counseling class that I started while in Minnesota. IM has two new couples as part of our Staff Care group who run a ministry called, "Equip to Counsel." http://equip2counsel.wordpress.com/ The Hendersons and Snuffers invited me to spend the week following our weekend of Staff Care meetings going through some introductory training to the method of counseling that they use. I had gotten a really great impression of both them and their wives during our meetings, and was really looking forward to the week of training with the guys. And I was not disappointed.

 One of the big things that they emphasize is learning how our brains work. I spent four days with them and spent time looking at 1)The Anatomy of a Lie, 2)Shame vs. Guilt, 3)Sorting Systems(how our brain processes all that is around us), 4)Vulnerability, and 5)the Characteristics of the Primary Representational Systems(Visual, Auditory, and Kinesthetic) and how people process everything through their individual modes of learning.

I got so much from just those four days and am super excited to have the opportunity to keep learning from Mark and Mike. I hope to go back later in the Spring to spend another week with them and sit in on some of their counseling sessions. Out of the different counseling methods I've seen or read about or experienced, this one actually makes me really excited to learn more. It makes sense to me. It's practical and Scripture based, without ramming Scripture down the throats of those who aren't at the point to be able to receive it solely. I came out of last week feeling extremely thankful for the opportunities that I've been given to learn more and for the people whose paths have crossed with mine.

I want to write about the individual days, so stay tuned for the next post: The Anatomy of a Lie. Fascinating stuff!!

What, it's already Jan. 20th??

Yep, another month has flown by. It's almost been a month since Christmas!! And sheepishly, I admit that I've not posted anything in over a month. Oops and oops again. Soo, before I tell you about how excited I am about the counseling training that I went through last week, I'll do a quick catch- up. Merry Christmas again, everyone! =-D

We had the 3rd annual Christmas Eve movie night(Holiday Inn), with an amazing cheese and fruit tray. So good!

The rawhide Gingerbread Man was such a hit that he took it outside, ran around until no one was looking, buried it, and we see it emerge periodically, looking like the Swamp Thing.

Christmas Day family picture

As the dementia progresses faster and faster, these are the moments that I want to capture

Jon and I "hosted" the church Christmas party(classic Dana Carr photobomb)

Tapley and I have talked about going to an Avett Brothers' show for a long time, and we finally did it for New Years!

And, to end the year right, I registered for my first triathlon!! It's right around the corner on March 8th, and I'm getting super excited! I'd sure appreciate prayers for health as I train and prepare(I'm running and swimming 4 days a week and cycling 2 days a wk), and for balancing planning for my Spring trip to Europe(I'm beginning planning this week), Skyping, studying, my time with the girls in the afternoon, mentoring, and youth group. All of the sudden, it feels like a lot. So, much thanks to all you pray-ers out there who faithfully pray for me!