Boy Georgie

One of those things that people often don't think about missionaries giving up when they move overseas is their pets and the ability to have a pet. Even if you're a long term missionary, you often travel a good bit or have a demanding schedule that makes it difficult to have a pet. Another thing to factor into the equation is that so many of us live in apartments, so if you're a dog lover, it makes things much more difficult. Leaving my dog to move overseas was much more difficult than selling my car or any of my possessions. I felt terribly guilty about abandoning this poor creature with all of his fears. And now after being gone three years, I've returned to a dog that is now classified as "geriatric." WHAT?? When did he get old? Oh, that's right- when I left. Right as I was leaving he was bit by a tick and got Lyme disease, which led to arthritis in his joints. Now I look at him and see a much slower dog whose hair is whitening more around the face. And though he still has plenty of energy, he's definitely slowed down. So today's post is in honor of my poor neurotic Georgie, who in spite of all his fears, has been a great and loyal companion. Today he has been out in the garden helping out my dad.....by eating the grubs. At least he's useful! =-D

With his beloved squeaky football.

Not too many children play in the sandbox these days, but he sure does like it!

Stop and Smell the Roses

Upon re-entering the country last week, I thought that I would be returning from Poland to the steamy, sultry South. But instead, I've been gifted with glorious coolness and days where I just can't get enough of breathing in the fantastic smells of late Spring that are all around me. My father has a rose garden that has some amazingly fragrant roses. Every time I step outside, the wind carries their sweetness to my nose and I breathe in and breathe in and breathe in again. I have to remind myself to breathe out, as well- they just smell so good. Ah, the beauty of God's hands- displayed all around us: to see, hear, touch, smell, and taste. I've been surrounded by the freshness of nature this week and as I've breathed it in, it has refreshed my tired soul. Isn't He good?

Hydrangea, roses and rosemary

A gorgeous lily

Gigantic roses. My hands aren't very big, but still- these blooms are huge!

The (Wo)man In The Mirror

"I'm Starting With The Man In the Mirror

I'm Asking Him To Change his Ways

And No Message Could Have been Any Clearer

If You Wanna Make The World a Better Place

Take A Look At Yourself and then Make A Change"

(Michael Jackson)

Sometimes I wonder why God allows really painful things to happen to people. I know the Sunday School answer- it's for our own good, blah, blah, blah, but it's harder to accept it when it's happening to you, isn't it? But......when truth speaks, truth says that it is indeed for our refinement that God allows us to walk through times of great pain and sometimes, He might even orchestrate those events in the lives of His children. The question is, do you really want that refinement? Really and truly?

If I look back at the last five or so years of my life, I could walk you through a painful list of things that occurred. But honestly, I wouldn't ask that a single one be taken off that list. Have I been devastated by some of the events and the actions of some people? Yes. Have I been shattered by the lack of love shown by fellow believers? Yes. Have I felt sorrow and rejection over a lost relationship with someone I once thought I might spend my future with? Yes. Do I wish that some of these issues had been handled in a different manner? Of course. But I don't wish them away, to be swept under the rug and out of my mind or life. Because through them, God has brought a change in me. He's made me a different person than I was ten, or even five years ago. He's turning me into a softer, gentler person- someone still quirky and with a sense of humor, but also someone who cries a lot more and isn't afraid to show vulnerability. Like I said before, I'm learning that I'm not strong. I'm quite weak. But HE is my strength. HE is my rock. HE is the refining fire who says, "So, are you REALLY sure that you want to be refined?? Be careful what you ask for, friends, because if you really want to be refined, He'll surely answer that prayer.

Strength...and the lack thereof

Disclaimer: this post and whatever may follow it is a conglomeration of thoughts built up over the last few months and probably longer. These are things I've fasted about, prayed about, meditated on, cried over, discussed with some and hidden from others. It will be fairly transparent and you can judge me if you want to. But rather than judge, I pray that you would use it to examine your own life and look at the things God might want to be teaching you at the moment. There, disclaimer done.

Before leaving Ukraine, I was advised by my mentor and her mentors to return to the States and take about 6 months off before making any serious decisions about my future and where I might end up. I couldn't fathom six months and why I might need that time, but now I see the wisdom in it. Upon returning to the States, I kind of went into a freefall of emotions: sorrow over leaving Ukraine and the people there; joy at being home; confusion about pleasing people vs. pleasing God and what that might mean in regard to my decision making; hurt from losing supporters; painful relationships in which I wanted reconciliation; feeling that no one here understood me and people there judged my leaving; guilt over making decisions that were right for me and my needs at the moment; and the list goes on. Simply put, I felt quite overwhelmed by the pressure to make the "right" decision, knowing that it wouldn't be right in someone's eyes. Ultimately I made a decision in favor of my own emotional and spiritual needs, even though that decision went against what almost everyone in my mission's world was telling me. And that decision sent me into another spiral of emotions: letting people down; disappointing them; thwarting their plans for growth; not filling a need; not going where they thought I might be most useful, etc., etc.

And so the dry spell began. Guilt weighed me down and the schedule I had built for myself weighed me down and the pressure to prove myself weighed me down and the dryness descended. How do you carve out extended time with God when traveling non-stop? Since I returned in December, I've been gone 10 weeks. Some of it has been good time with God, but most of it hasn't. Most has been my plodding along and surviving simply because He's good and faithful. You see, I'm not strong. Sometimes I'm stronger than other times, but not strong in the way I used to think I was. Really, I'm quite weak, and out of that weakness He has chosen to use me. I praise God that He's shown me my weakness and that He accepts me inspite of it. He's shown me that I don't have to appear strong to others, because His opinion is the only one that matters. And even when I'm truly, truly weak- like I have been recently- that He uses it as a beautiful time of refinement. He's testing me, trying me, molding me, making me. He's shaping and changing my heart and my mind into what He wants it to be- purging me of the filth within. So much of the world's idea of strength(and the Christian church is included in that)is so false. He's showing me bit by bit, as he strips layer after layer, that strength comes through humility, through transparency, through honesty, through giving up "rights"- and it's only found in Him.

"YOU are my strength when I am weak, YOU are the treasure that I seek, YOU are my all in all."

Hair today, gone tomorow

Poles and Pottery

Tuesday I flew back to Warsaw from Odessa and had a lovely, if slightly hectic evening. It's interesting entering Poland from Ukraine, rather than from the States. There's a huge difference in the way that people are treated at Passport Control. Ukrainians or Russians are treated with a lot of suspician. One presents his passport and is asked how long he will be there, how much money he has with him, why he's there, what papers does he have with him to prove all of the above information, when is his return flight, etc. ,etc.There were only six people in line in front of me and yet, it took 45 minutes for me to get to the front.....where the lady glanced at my US passport for two seconds, stamped it, and said, "Have a nice visit in Poland!"

Filemon picked me up and took me to a pottery shop. Poland is famous for their beautiful blue and white pottery and each time I go I add to my collection. One day I would love to have a complete set of dinnerware in this beautiful pottery. One of the ladies in Warsaw advised me to mix and match everything that I buy, so that as pieces break, they will be easier to replace, so that's what I've been doing. Beautiful pottery-it's one of those small things that makes all of this hard, exhausting traveling a bit more enjoyable.

After that, he dropped me off at a metro and I went into the center of Warsaw to meet Szymon(Simon). He was at the Odessa training center in 2010 and did his internship in India and Romania, before returning to Poland. He's very young and made the decision to work and get some higher education before possibly returning to full time ministry in the future. He's currently working, going to university, and is actively involved in youth ministry at his church in Warsaw. As I've kept in close touch with many of the interns from the last three classes, I try not to have favorites, but I do. The four younger ones from the class of 2010 have a special place in my heart. I talk to most of them quite often on Skype and we've grown to have quite close relationships. I've said before that Szymon is like a younger brother to me and he really is. I so enjoyed my evening with him and getting to hear his heart for the ministry that he's starting up with his younger brother's soccer club(talented young players getting full time training to be professionals). He's really excited about where God's leading him right now and I'm excited to see him listening and responding. I tell you, what a blessing it is to be involved in the lives of those actively pursuing passionate relationships with their Maker!

Szymon

One of the four medium size plates I brought back with me this time

Beautiful scalloped edge bowls

Coffee cups that fit perfectly in my small hands

Fairy Princesses

Every little girl likes to dress up as a princess and run around in a big poofy dress; one princess one day and a different one the next. Right?

Err, not exactly. I wasn't a tomboy, but I wasn't into the princess thing, either. This may be hard to believe when you consider that I wear dresses and skirts almost every day and really like to look and feel feminine, but it's true. I don't ever remember playing Princess.

The other day in Odessa, Lindsey and I were looking in some of the drawers in my former room(now turned into a storage room), and what did Lindsey find?? Fairy wings, wands, and all other sorts of dress up goodies. The reason for this is that Michelle(other former roomie) has taught ballet to some of the MKs in Odessa and has lots of fun dress up stuff for little girls. And while we're not exactly little girls, we decided that this was the perfect time to be Fairy Princesses. Hey, better late then never, right? Today we celebrate the child inside of each of us.

Question: If you, right now, today, could dress up as the character of your childhood dreams, who would you be? p.s. I was dreaming a little higher than Fairy Princess. I wanted to be the 1st female President of the United States. =-D

Returning to Odessa Mama

Thursday evening I got back on the train, returning to spend a few days in Odessa. I've been even more tired during my time here, as I've met with our staff, plus other friends. But again, God is good and upholds me. What a joy it has been to be here with friends and to be able to celebrate Easter again yesterday with my church family here. The Orthodox celebrate according to a different calendar and while last year Easter coincided with the day that most of the world celebrated it, this year it was a week later, allowing me to celebrate both in Poland and in Ukraine. My heart has greatly missed worshipping in Russian and was quite happy yesterday to be able to do so again.

Today I return to Warsaw and tomorrow morning I fly back to the States. After almost non-stop travel since February 23rd, I'm looking forward to returning home. My schedule for the next few months is going to look quite different, with the emphasis being on support raising and beginning the prerequisites for a counseling course. It will be a challenge to go from traveling so much to studying, but I'm looking forward to the change of pace. Change is good and I'm excited to begin the next phase of this year, with lots of meetings with current supporters and potential supporters, and much learning to be done.

With Igor(one of the orphans my roommates worked with) and Michelle, one of my former roommates

With my friend, Godwin, a medical student from Nigeria

A small Easter dinner with former roommate, Lindsey(chili lemon turkey, blue cheese biscuits, deviled eggs, and pineapple caserole)

With part of the Living Hope Church family

With Marina, one of the girls I used to disciple

Red Army/Красноармейск

The Monday after Easter #1 I flew from Warsaw to Odessa. I brought only a backpack, because I was trying to make it to a train with only 55 minutes in between landing time and the train's departure. Honestly, why do I do this to myself?? The reason in this case was that the trip to Ukraine was a last minute addition to the schedule, based on a need that had been voiced to me on behalf of some of our staff there. So I was trying to fit in as much as I could within a very short period of time(thus the crazy travel schedule). Praise God, I was the 2nd one in line at Passport Control, made it through with no problems, jumped in a taxi and made it to my train with ten minutes to spare. One of my former Odessa roommates met me at the train with a bag of food and time for my Ukrainian SIM card. Bless her!
I'll be honest and tell you that I was already quite tired apon arriving in Ukraine. But God is good and always seems to give me that extra little bit of energy that I need. I knew as soon as I arrived in Krasnoarmeysk(Red Army) that this last minute addition to my trip had been prompted by God. My dear friends there(who've been on my blog several times over the years) have had some big changes in their lives over the last couple of months and just needed a friend to visit and someone with whom to share their concerns about the changes and the adjustments that they're having to make. As always, we greatly enjoyed our time together and were able to share deeply from the heart. What an encouragement they are to me!

At a tiny coffee shop, waiting for the train back to Odessa

Ugh- getting tired of lugging this around

We enjoy each other- can you tell?

With Marina

And then Vika

I love, love, love this picture. It speaks so much of Ukraine to me. My sister in law said that it's me, Vika, and Marina 30+ years from now. =-D

Warsaw/Easter #1

After Poznan, I headed to Warsaw to spend my first Easter weekend(I'll explain that later) with an IM family there. The Shadeds(parents, in-laws, and brother to the Shadeds I was with in Poznan) have been in ministry for most of their married life. They lived in the States for a while while Moner went through seminary, came back to Poland to serve with Campus Crusade and have been with IM for a number of years. Now three of their children are also serving with IM. Their oldest(Amadeusz in Poznan) and youngest(Filemon) sons both went through the Odessa Training center during my first year there and we've kept in touch ever since. I did camps with both of the guys last summer and came to know the family as a whole much better. It was a joy to go to church with them on Easter and to see so many of the families that had been at family camp last July. It was wonderful to see two families there who came to camp completely confident in the Catholic church- and are now regularly attending the Shaded's church and learning more of who Christ is, what He did for them, and that they can have a personal relationship with Him. Easter lunch wasn't quite what I had expected(not quite the big deal that we make of it), but I thoroughly enjoyed my time with the Shadeds and so appreciate their allowing me to come and go from their home as I travel to and from Warsaw. I didn't really take many pictures there, but I'll include a couple here.

The lovely inside of the 300 yr. old building where their church meets

Duck for Easter lunch- in beautiful Polish pottery

Stenia(the mom) is an accomplished artist who uses her work to share the gospel in large gatherings. Every painting has a story behind it that enables her to tell others about Christ.

Poznan, Poland

After Krakow, I went to Poznan, which is N. West of Krakow, closer to Germany. We have two staff couples there and two of our former interns(now in university). I specifically went to spend time with Monika and Amadeusz Shaded, a young couple married in 2010, after Amadeusz went through the training center in Odessa. He's half Syrian, half Polish and his parents, older sister and younger brother all serve with IM in different parts of Poland. One of my three camps last summer was with Amadeusz and his sister and brother-in-law. Before that, I didn't know his wife, Monika, at all, but she was in my bible study group and I came to really love her tender heart. They had invited me several times to visit with them, So when I was planning this trip, they were definites on the list of "Must get to." I spent a day with them and thoroughly enjoyed our time together and some time to talk and share with Monika alone, as well. I enoyed an afternoon with Sylwia, one of our former interns to the Philippines with whom I've kept up a close relationship, and enjoyed getting to know the McKinnons, an older couple serving in Poznan. It was a really great, but short, time visiting with and seeing more of their ministries.

Stunningly colorful Old Town Poznan. I didn't even enhance the colors in this photo.

I had a great time at a really fun cafe with Monika

With Monika, walking around the Old Town

With my dear Sylwia

With Amadeusz and Monika in their lovely home

Krakow

After staff conference I spent a couple of days in Krakow with Lindsey, my former roommate and newest Odessa intern. It was good for her to get a little bit of time away from the daily ministry schedule and I really wanted her to feel refreshed when she went back. Since I've already been there several times, I wanted this trip to be all about her and whatever she wanted to see and do. We had a good time shopping, taking pictures, sitting in coffee shops, visiting with other IM staff that were also there and then took a trip out to Auschwitz and Birkenau. It was my third trip out there and not necessarily something that I think a person should see three times, but I wanted to be there with her as she walked through seeing the atrocities that had been committed there. We really didn't end up seeing that much in Krakow, but I hope that it was a nice break and time of fellowship and exploration for her, so that she could return to Odessa, ready to enter back into ministry again.

Main Square- Krakow

At Birkenau

With Lindsey

IM Staff Conference in Poronin, Poland

Ah, Staff Conference was so great this year- my favorite yet. some of it has to do with the amount of traveling that I did last year and the connections that I made with staff. Some of it was because the speaker was really great this year. Some of it was the fact that I was coming from the US this time around and super excited to see my mission family again. It was just super, however you look at it. I was challenged, encouraged, revitalized. I had great meetings with current and former interns and loved the time getting to laugh and cry with them while listening to their heart's desire to serve God. The extended times of worship were amazing- the best of any of the conferences I've been to- what a blessing. We didn't have much free time this year, as there were a lot more planned sessions than there have been in the past, but I really treasured the four days there with so many precious people. I didn't take many pictures during my time there, but here are a few:

With Vali and Szymon(Romania and Poland)

With Anya(from Odessa)- was in Egypt and headed to India

With my training mates, Simona and Annette(serving in Romania & Slovakia)

With the VP of IM and Lindsey(serving in Ukraine)

With some of the younger ones in Zakopane

And just for fun, because I couldn't resist and am ridiculous: