Dominance Clarified

Ok, my thoughts on Dominance yesterday didn't come out as clearly as I would have wished. I cut it short, because the post was already getting long, and that led to a lack of clarity, followed by confusion by a a couple of readers(which leads me to think that perhaps there are other confused people out there).

Let me start by saying this: I do NOT think that Dominance/Control is a good or God honoring thing, nor do I believe that the author of the counseling material believes that.


Ok, now that I've stated that, let's go from there. The main problem that led to the confusion in what I wrote yesterday is that I didn't invite you into all of my thoughts and the connections therein.

In my head, it looked like this:

"The only dominant/controlling people that I can think of are strong, super organized, leader, A type personalities. And since I have some of those characteristics, but don't ever want to be dominant/controlling, perhaps I should back away from leadership."

And because I've seen how dominant/controlling people can deeply hurt others without even being aware of what they're doing, I kind of connected Dominance & Control with Leadership, even though I know that's a false equation. I've seen so many great leaders who live a life of mercy and grace, and are true servant leaders.

But let's return to my equating Dominance and Control with Leadership. Because I don't want to exhibit those patterns in my relationship with others, I began to pull back a bit in my thoughts about being a leader. I began to see it as a negative thing. Particularly as someone in the area of Staff Care, I want to exhibit grace, mercy, compassion, encouragement, and God's truth to others. And though I don't think I'm known for being controlling or dominant, I am known for having a strong personality. I have strong beliefs and am not easily swayed. I used to enjoy debating my position on issues and was often in a leadership position, even from a young age. And because I've seen the negative side of leadership, both in myself at a younger age and in others, I am now much more careful about the leadership positions in which I place myself. I no longer desire to be up front, making decisions. I'd prefer to be in more of a background leadership role, serving and encouraging others to be wise, godly, servant leaders.

Sooo, all of that to explain the part of the chart that I found interesting; essentially, that one can recover from being a domineering, controlling person. That with God's enabling and by making choices that honor Him, a strong personality type can be a good leader who exhibits: acceptance, appreciation, kindness, encouragement, humility, openness, sympathy, love, respect, and support. Those are the true qualities of a servant leader: one who deeply cares for all those who surround him, and desires to build them up, rather than tear them down.

Dominance/Controlling= BAD
Servant Leadership= GOOD

Heart Issues

I've finally returned to the counseling workbook, "Caring for the Emotionally Damaged Heart." It's the first part of the prerequisites for the intensive counseling seminars that I plan to go through. I began to work on it back in the Spring, put it aside for the Poland/Ukraine trip, picked it back up in late April and put it back down in mid-May. I think I was just pushing myself too hard and too fast after leaving Ukraine to work through some really difficult material. It was too much for me to deal with emotionally at that time, and so I put it aside and read some of the other books dealing with Missionary Care. I still want to do all of the prerequisites and go through the intensive seminars, but I came to the point where I realized that pushing myself to get through emotional material before dealing with my own emotions of the transition, etc., was probably not a wise idea. I still want to get to the next intensive, which is in January, but I'm not going to push myself super hard to achieve that if there are other things that I need to work through first. Having said that, though, I began to have the desire to get back into it while in Texas. So upon my return home Tuesday, I picked it back up. And the interesting thing is that the material that I've worked through the last three days would've been way too much for me to handle back in the Spring. Now I find myself reading it, thinking through it, and being able to handle it in a rational and balanced manner. I'm so thankful for the steps of healing and transition that I can see so clearly now, and for God's work to accomplish them in my life.

This week I've been reading about the issue of being drained emotionally and the pressure patterns of: expectations, the pressure to perform, self-discipline, dominance, and control. In each chapter, the individual issue is broken down into: the characteristics of someone who exhibits that issue; the problems that it creates in his life and the lives of others; how to go about resolving the pain that is in the life of the individual and the pain that he has caused to others; identifying the steps that led to the issue; and taking the issue to God for healing and freedom.

I was particularly interested in a chart about Dominance. If you had asked me if dominance was wrong, I would have said without hesitation, "Absolutely!" It was a good chart for me to see, because I've got some of that in my personality, and I've been working for years on getting rid of all traces of it. But this helped me to see that trying to get rid of natural aspects of my personality isn't necessarily
what I should be attempting to do. I'm still struggling with the idea that good can be found in dominance, but I loved the the balance that was shown in the chart, because it's what I want to strive for.

Dominance Combinations and the Effect They Have on Others

The Bad:
Dominance + High Expectation= Frustration
Dominance + Anger= Overwhelmed
Dominance + Pride= Control
Dominance + Lack of Sympathy= Rejection
Dominance + Rejection = Loneliness

The Good
Dominance + Acceptance= Appreciation
Dominance + Kindness= Encouragement
Dominance + Humility= Openness
Dominance + Sympathy= Loved
Dominance + Acceptance= Respect, Support

Heading Home from Houston

This has been such a nice visit to Houston(as they always are). It's rather different now, since there was no baby here when I last visited in early 2011, but it's fun watching Matt and Tapley with little Caden. We enjoyed just hanging out here at the house, went swimming, went out for dinner with friends, went to Zumba, took a trip to the Butterfly Center and then had a picnic at Herman Park, had Life group here Wed. night, met some friends for coffee, went to Chip's play last night(one of Matt's friends is a full time actor), Taps and I had a Starbuck's date(a tradition), went to church today, lunch with friends, and then we did the Ukrainian Tea and Missionary Care workshop this afternoon that Matt and Tapley hosted for me. It went really well and I enjoyed getting to talk with some people that I hadn't previously known and was encouraged by their desire to care for the missionaries they know. I'm leaving tomorrow at noon for Dallas, will spend the night there, and then have a super early flight back to Charlotte on Tuesday morning. Here are some final pictures from this trip:

 Post swim, minus makeup. Yes, I'm really that white and that blond.

 Reading lines with Chip, Matt's friend. I'm not sure why, but I somehow seem to end up reading lines for Chip's upcoming plays every time I'm here.

 Caden is obsessed with hats(and Ukrainian painted eggs). He comes up and signs, "Please," then touches his head to signify a hat, then points to you, meaning, "Please, will you wear that hat?" =-D

 22 years of friendship. 17 years of being best friends.

Butterfly Center

On Thursday Tapley, Caden, and I went to the Houston Natural Science Museum to go through their Butterfly Center. They have a really beautiful, large, tropical forest that they've built as one section of the museum. Tapley and I went the last time I was here, two years ago, and really enjoyed it. We thought that Caden is old enough now to enjoy it and since we liked it so much last time, decided to go again. Here are some pictures from our outing:

A Tale of Survival

"We all Lived." Because I so appreciate the way that she so honestly writes and expresses herself, I'm once again sharing a post from Jamie, the Very Worst Missionary. She, her husband, three teenage sons, two dogs, and a cat just returned to the States from Costa Rica a month ago. This is her first post since the move, and I just love how she expresses how stressful and traumatic the uprooting/getting rid of precious belongings/leaving beloved friends and ministry partners and the culture you've worked so hard to adjust to,etc......."Well, we all lived." I've written about my experience, and after reading this post, wanted to share it, because that's pretty much how I felt after the first month back in the States, "Well, I survived. Now what?"

http://www.theveryworstmissionary.com/2012/07/somehow-we-all-lived.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+JamieTheVeryWorstMissionary+%28Jamie+the+Very+Worst+Missionary%29

The Big H + Russian stuff

This Sunday afternoon, Tapley and Matt are hosting a Missionary Care Workshop and we're doing a Ukrainian Tea. So, off we went to one of the Russian stores here in Houston to find some treats for the tea. I was sooo excited. Well, there really weren't many Ukrainian things there(Crimean wine, a magazine, Kvas Taras), but plenty of Russian things. We bought some candy, some waffle cookies, some Vareniki- 2 kinds(cherry/ricotta&raisin dumplings), chocolate, and Kvas!! Kvas is a non-alcoholic fermented beverage made from black or rye bread. It's funny, because I really despised it when I first tried it in Russia, and somewhere along the way, I grew to love it. I absolutely loved my twice weekly trips to the market in Odessa on hot summer days, because I knew that I would walk back with a large plastic cup filled with super cold, refreshing Kvas. Bottled Kvas is nothing like the real thing, but it made me happy, nonetheless. I also bought a magazine and brought back several newspapers with me, which I was really excited about. I felt emotional about the experience and could have happily hung out there for a good while longer. But I was also thankful to see how far I've come emotionally in the last six months, because I was able to thoroughly enjoy the little visit and come away from it like I'd been to visit a good friend, rather than teary eyed.

With my issue of "Russian America"...and Caden

Kvas Taras!

Dallas

I arrived in Houston last night, after a great weekend of visiting with friends and supporters in Dallas. Here are a couple/few pictures from my time there.

It was so great to see Hayden. He is a friend from college, who I haven't seen in forever. I got to meet his wife, Ebony, and little boy, Micah. God has done a mighty transformation in his life since I last saw him, and it was a pleasure to get to hear about that change.

With Bob and Sharon Wilkin. I think my dad has a bit of a brain crush on Bob. Bob is a theologian and author, and a big name within the Free Grace movement, and my dad really admires him. I enjoyed my three days with these two rather unusual people. =-)

Monday I spent the afternoon with Lena. She and her family were at my church in NC for many years, before moving to Dallas. I haven't seen her in at least four years and it was really good to catch up with her.