"Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership."
"Many people have been taught by their church or family that boundaries are unbiblical, mean, or selfish."
The issue of Boundaries is much bigger and deeper than I'd have ever guessed. There are four main personality types when it comes to Boundaries:
-Compliants:Saying "Yes" to the bad. Feels guilty and/or controlled by others; can't set boundaries.
-Avoidants:Saying "No" to the good. Sets boundaries against receiving care of others
-Controllers:Not respecting others' boundaries. Aggressively or manipulatively violates boundaries of others
-Nonresponsives:Not hearing the needs of others. Sets boundaries against responsibility to love.
2 Types of Boundaries
a.Functional: refers to a person's ability to complete a task, project, or job. It has to do with performance, discipline, initiative, and planning
b.Relative: refers to the ability to speak truth to others with whom we are in relationship
The fourth chapter on how boundaries are developed is a fascinating look at how parents basically determine the ways that their children will function later on in life with decision making. When parents hover, control, are angry, make all decisions for their child, set no limits, set too many limits- all of these things effect the choices that their child will make later on in life. A child whose parent hovered over him or made all decisions for him will struggle to make decisions on his own as an adult. A child who had no limits will struggle as an adult to set limits for himself. A sensitive child who had an angry parent will grow up making decisions so as not to make anyone angry. Sadly, most children will either repeat the same mistakes that their parents made with them, or go to the opposite extreme, which often isn't much better.
I really enjoyed the fifth and sixth chapters on the ten laws of boundaries and the common boundary myths. Since there are ten laws and eight myths, I'm not going to write them out, but will just highlight a few that I appreciated.
Law #5- The Law of Motivation. What motivates your decision making? The Law of Motivation says this: Freedom First, Service Second. "We are called into freedom, and this freedom results in gratitude, an overflowing heart, and love for others." I love this law!
Law #10- The Law of Exposure. This law says that your boundaries need to be made visible to others and communicated to them in relationship. "We have many boundary problems because of relational fears. Because of these fears, we try to have secret boundaries. We withdraw passively and quietly, instead of communicating an honest no. We secretly resent instead of telling someone that we are angry about how they have hurt us. Often, we will privately endure the pain of someone's behavior instead of telling them how it effects us and others, information that would be helpful to their soul."
Myth #1- If I Set Boundaries, I'm Being Selfish. "Our needs are our responsibility. Even with God's help, it is crucial to understand that meeting our own needs is basically our job. We can't wait passively for others to take care of us.
Myth #3- If I Set Boundaries, I Will Be Hurt By Others. "Is it possible that others will become angry at our boundaries and attack or withdraw from us? Absolutely. We can't manipulate people into swallowing our boundaries by sugarcoating them. Boundaries are a litmus test for the quality of our relationships. Those people in our lives who can respect our boundaries will love our wills, our opinions, our separateness. Those who can't respect our boundaries are telling us that they don't love our no, but only our compliance."
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